November!!

• I wore a mask at the charlotte airport and wrote in my notes app underneath the Catawba trade sign and listened to stuff wondering if you heard what I heard. If u knew what I meant by stuff or if I did. What stuff betrays beneath the white sheet draped over the obvious couch. Obvious armoire. 
• DO NOT RETURN TO THIS IN TRANQUIL REPOSE
• "I cannot consider stone without acknowledging that it is unfathomable, and this abyss of fullness, this night sheathed by eternal light, for me exemplifies the real." - Yves Bonnefoy
• Do Stones Dream?
  Two hands pass over our face;
  they are sifting through the sun
  and the light moves like thrushes in tall grass,
  gold-black and whispering.
  
  At night,
  the hands press orange into purple,
  and the thrushes grow still,
  give way to an ocean that remembers
  its dreams unto us.
  
  In the dim of sleep,
  the water impresses itself
  into the deep of the back of our eyes,
  etches dark figures
  which move with a warmth we cannot see.
  
• ^^ ... poem of mine from 2018... undercurrent resurfacing, same concerns that haunt us across time, touching a thread that a thousand others have traced, i wish we could talk about it
• how only V knew what I was saying, how I miss them now
• dark aloneness of November permeating, like being on winter break and going with my parents to the outlet mall
• It's just really interesting that both me and Bonnefoy conceive(d) of the stone as an embodiment of total darkness meeting total light, how that meeting is what gives the stone its weight
• Thinking too about Barbara Guest, ROCKS ON A PLATTER
• A hawk understands // attention too bifurcated
• Metaphysical Crashout
• I think it not but it be so -- the bats know not to fly into me
• It would be one thing if it would just lie still
• More Bonnefoy:
  "We dip our bare feet in the water of dream:
  How warm it is ... We cannot tell if we still wake
  Or if the calm, unhurried thunderbolt of sleep
  Is tracing signs already in the boughs.
  Disquiet stirs the leaves: these trees
  That part before our steps are too obscure
  For us to recognize the figures there.
  We move on. The water rises to our ankles. [this line break destroys me.]
  O dream of night, hold the dream of day
  In your loving hands. Tilt that face toward yours.
  ...
  Beauty, beauty sufficient, ultimate beauty
  Of the stars, meaningless and motionless.
  Larger and darker than the world, the ferryman
  Stands at the stern, black but phosphorescent.
  A faint plash barely mars the water:
  Soon it lapses into silence. Hearing the sand
  That crunches under our prow, we do not know
  If we have reached another shore, or still remain
  In the fevered folds of our earthly bed. We do not know
  If we make landfall in another world; we do not know
  If hands reach out from that welcoming unknown
  To take the rope we toss them from our night."
• this Bonnefoy makes me think of an excerpt from Bernadette Mayer's Midwinter Day that I read on the radio last night:
• desperately staving off eventuality
• BALK.BARK.BARQUE.BULK.BAROQUE.EMBARK.BUILDMEABOATTHATCOULDCARRYTWO.
• Scissors don't just appear in my hand.
• "In my creativity nothing is self-evident, except the compulsion to carry on." -Bergman's The Hour of the Wolf
• Obsessed with my own archive, as if there was a kernel I could eventually get to --> reiteration, translation. After enough accrual, maybe what I've said will mean something.
• It's best when I don't know what I mean, so I can stumble across it half a year later and think it sounds pretty good, or at least is curious. From June 5th of this year:
  Smelt so spoiled / rumination project
  this is my rumination project
  who are all you people
  i'm used to my feelings being hurt
  refrain refrain refrain refrain
  5 minute intervals
  everywhere is a burial ground
  corraled active ruination
  and destruction
  from evil it's evil from evil it's evil
  who are all you people
  water bottle in the back pocket & my heart
  is stricken with fear
  evil's bequest slaking my thirst
  i'm going to bed after this
  i'm skipping lunch after this
  there's a baby in my arms after this
• ^^^curious, no???^^^^